Stranger

I have been a stranger for a couple of years to this blog.  I have my other blog for knitting and crochet, but I changed the name of that blog to The Farmer's Granddaughter.  It started out as a craft type blog and then seemed to evolve into something different.  Now, I don't post on that blog very much anymore because it seems that, craftwise, I jump from one project to another.  I don't seem to be able to take photos to post of the projects I'm currently working on.  I'm going to rethink the whole thing and what I'm doing here.  I'm going to try to find a direction of some kind that I feel passionate about and can keep up with.
 
I love blogging.  For the past 23 years I have worked full time and really did not have time to post as often as I wanted to, or else I was just so tired from working all day that I just didn't feel like making the effort to photograph things and post them.  I love blogs with lots of pictures, though, so I really shouldn't expect anything less from my own blog.  I think that is what makes blogs so appealing are the photographs that people take and post.  I have nothing but time, now, so I hope to be taking more pictures, not just of craft projects, but of alot of different things and post them.  I have no excuse for not taking photos because I have about 4 cameras.  I have my large Canon digital camera that I use for taking more professional looking photos.  I have a smaller digital camera that isn't quite as heavy as the Canon and is the first one I ever bought.  Then, last year, I bought a small handheld digital camera to keep because of its portability to keep in my purse so that I wouldn't miss those photo opportunities.  Then, most recently, we got a free Smartphone from our cell phone company and it has Internet access and gives me the ability to take photos and post them to Facebook or email them to myself.  So, I really have no excuse for not taking photos and posting them.  It's probably just laziness on my own part for not doing it.
 
I finally was able to retire from my full time job at the end of February.  It was long awaited and I'm very glad to be retired.  I was so ready and I feel like it was my time.  Everyone has to make their own decision for when that time is right for them.  I turned 60 right before I retired and I thought that was a good time for me to retire.  My pension is not wonderful, but it is a pension and I get to keep my insurance too, so as long as we live within our means and watch our budget, we should be ok until I can start getting Social Security.
 
For the past month, I've mostly been enjoying not having to get up early in the morning to go to work, being at home and not having to be a slave to time and work.  I'm getting to the point that I'm wondering where to go from here.  I seem to be at a loss as to what to do next.  I know I have things that need to be done like cleaning house and going through things, kind of decluttering and trying to simplify at home, but as far as after that, I'm going to have to really think about what I need to be doing.

My Own Emergency

I was reviewing my journal postings and came across this one about my mother-in-law having a heart attack last year. Little did I know when I was writing that post that I would have my own emergency a mere 2 or 3 weeks later. I think I've written about it at my Knitting blog, but I'll repeat it here very briefly. It will be short because to be honest, it still freaks me out a little bit.

One evening toward the end of September I was lying on the sofa getting my nightly foot rub from my husband. He used to do this because it was very relaxing and helped me unwind so I could go to sleep. This particular night I noticed my heart was sort of fluttering. I was used to it because I have a heart murmur and have had palpitations or flutters off and on for years. Ever since I was diagnosed with a heart murmur. Anyway, this felt different. I felt like my heart was fluttering and quivering. And it wouldn't stop doing that. Before, it had always fluttered a little and then stopped. It kept doing it for about 30 minutes. We decided it wasn't going to stop fluttering on its own, so we decided to go to the ER and find out what was going on.

It turns out I was having atrial fibrillation. They gave me something in my IV that regulated my heartbeat back to normal, but they decided I should be admitted for observation. Once they regulated everything, I was fine, but they wanted to keep me for tests. I felt much better the whole time I was in the hospital. I had about 3 doctors come in and talk to me about it. They both said it was a common occurrence, but no one seemed to be able to tell me what causes it. Apparently, none of them knows, but I did some research and learned that it's linked to high blood pressure. They both told me that the concern with this happening is that when your heart just quivers it isn't pumping blood like it should and that it can pool and move to another part of your body and cause a blood clot or a stroke. They said most people go on Coumadin to help keep their blood thinned in case of another occurence. Niether of the doctors on call felt that I needed Coumadin. so, then my regular cardiologist comes in and says now I have to go on Coumadin. I talked him out of that and he agreed to let me take a 325 mg aspirin a day to keep my blood thinned, but that if I have another episode like I had that night that I would have to go on Coumadin. Oh, also one of the other doctors said it would probably happen again. Great.

After going home from the hospital I felt really, really good for about 3 months. Then in January I started having palpitations again, or flutters. But, they don't feel like they did that night. I was concerned about them, so I called my regular doctor. He said he would change my blood pressure from a calcium channel blocker to a beta blocker. He said it would help my bp go down and help the flutters. He said the only other thing they could do was a surgical procedure called ablation and he said that was pretty involved. I've researched all the medical procedures and sometimes the ablation doesnt work, but there are other procedures that do work and in fact, cure it completely. The new medicine has helped the heart flutters and seems to be keeping my bp under control. I still have the flutters, but they are not as intense and not as often, thank God.

After all this, I'm still really focused on losing this excess weight. All of the doctors told me that weight loss would help everything ... the high blood pressure would go down and it would help the flutters. So, that's where my focus is right now. I've actually lost about 13 pounds since I first started my new eating lifestyle, so I'm really, really encouraged about that. I feel better, my clothes are looser and it's just wonderful all around. I still have about 30 to 40 pounds to lose to get to where I need to be, but it will happen in time. I hope to lose most of it by the end of this year. I'll do whatever it takes to help myself get better and hopefully avoid having to have a surgery. But, if I have to have surgery, then I'll do that too if it means living a normal life.

Sad

It's really been tough to think of words to say about this, but I'm going to give it a try.

Last Thursday, Eddie's mom had a light heart attack. She went to the hospital and they scheduled an arteriogram for the next day. They found that she has 4 blocked arteries. The news was not good. One of them is 100% blocked, one is 90% blocked, one is 95% blocked, and the other one is 60% blocked. The only way the arteries can be repaired is by doing open heart surgery, which she is not a good candidate for. For her, because of her age and various other health problems, she would be a very high risk.

The decision was still up to her, but this week she decided to not have the surgery. They released her and sent her home with medications like blood thinners, cholesterol medicine, and some other things that I don't know what they are, and she has to wear a nitroglycerin patch during the day. She is not to do anything strenuous because I think they feel the more she does, the worse for her. What really surprised us was that they have arranged for Hospice to start coming to her house. That bummed me a little because I always thought that Hospice was sent during the last stages of life. Then it dawned on me that, for her, this may be the last stages of her life. She could have another heart attack at any time and may or may not survive it.

This has been a wake up call for me. The doctors told her this was not a recent thing, but had been building up over time. It dawned on me that people, like me, with high cholesterol probably have the junk building up in their arteries and some damage has already been done. Unless we try to prevent any more damage from happening, we could be in the same shape that she's in. That's a real eye opener. I have all the genetic risk factors of high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and I am about 50 pounds overweight. Up until now, I knew I had those things, but I was in denial. I guess it I had just pushed into the back of my mind what could possibly happen if I didn't change my ways. Now, that I've seen what has happened to her and that it could possibly happen to me (or anyone), I've made a complete turnaround. No more am I going to piss and moan about the fact that I don't seem to have any willpower or self-control when it comes to food. It's really not a matter of willpower, but of want power. How badly do I want to get this weight off of me and be healthy again? At this point, really badly. I know there are some things that we have no control over, but we do have control over how we take care of ourselves and the food we put into our bodies. So, as of last Friday, I have started watching what I eat and I have been walking about 20-30 minutes a day. I hope to be able to build up to more exercise time, but if I can't, then that's ok too. As long as I'm doing something to try and improve my health, something is better than nothing.

Also, last night I started watching the new season the The Biggest Loser. I like watching this show because it's really inspiring. Those people work really, really hard to get their weight off and change their lives. I'm so thankful that I don't have as much weight to lose as most of them do, so it's easy for me to become inspired when I see all the good things they are doing to become healthier.

Too Long

Gee.... I can't believe it's been so long since I posted in my regular journal. I post so reguarly in my knitting journal that I forget all about this one. I guess one reason I don't post here very often is because I sometimes don't know what to say. But, I should just write about whatever is on my mind. I try to wait until I'm inspired or see something that really inspires me like the last post I wrote here, which was "Waiting for Supper." After I wrote that post, I went out and bought a pretty cut crystal candle holder and a tall white candle. For awhile, I started lighting that candle every time I ate at the table.

I really need some organization in my life because 9 times out of 10, I can barely clear enough space at the dining room table just to sit down and eat, much less light a candle. Sadly, I've been using my dining room table as a craft table and it is usually scattered with whatever craft I happen to be working on at the time. This really distresses me because I would love to have a nice, clean dining room table all of the time, but I can't seem to do it. For one thing, when I walk in the door my arms are usually loaded with stuff I'm carrying and I have to put it somewhere and, you guessed it, it goes on the table until I can sort through it. I guess I'm just a big slob.

At mealtime, Eddie usually sits in his recliner with a portable TV tray and watches a basketball game and eats and I sit at the dining room table and read a good book while I'm eating. When I read about how some couples have romantic dinners together talking about their day, maybe with lit candles, I wonder if we are abnormal or if we've lost touch with each other somehow. But, when I think about it, I seem to remember reading about those romantic dinners in books and not too many in real life. I guess our lives have gotten so busy in this day and age that we barely can get everyone together for a family meal, much less sit down and talk about our days. I guess that's one reason I loved watching Donna Reed, Father Knows Best, and Leave It to Beaver so much. It's a lost art, sitting down to dinner with the whole family.

It was funny because the other night Eddie and I went out to eat. It was fun because we actually did talk about stuff. It was very nice. But, I guess when we are at home, he's really involved in watching his basketball games and I'm really involved in whatever book I'm reading. It's sad, I know, but I love to read and have always been a bookworm. I think he's always loved sports too. We should probably make a real effort to sit at the table, and I've tried it, but he doesn't usually want to. I guess he's comfortable in his recliner and doesn't want to get out of it. Those recliners are comfy, but they are definitely not conducive to getting anything productive done.

Waiting for Supper

I think this is so neat. I saw it on a blog that I accidentally found yesterday. I can't remember which blog it was now, but I thought it looked so tranquil. Just a quiet supper in a rustic setting. Just you and your candle. And maybe a book too. I even went out at lunch yesterday to Walmart and bought a small crystal candle holder and a white candle similar to this one with the intention of lighting it at every meal. Usually I eat at the dining room table and read a book while Eddie eats in his recliner and watches TV. When we do both eat at the dining room table, he always lights a bigger candle that we have in the center of the table. I could light it too, but somehow the single white candle seems so ceremonial somehow. Kind of like, this is my time for eating, reflecting and reading and just time to be quiet for a little while. Sort of like taking a bubble bath without the bubble bath.

I wish I could light a candle at work in my office during lunch, but they won't let us because it's a fire hazard. Sort of kills the mood.

Mary Kay Mug

Darn it. Eddie was canning tomatoes yesterday and accidentally knocked over my Mary Kay Lipstick Mug. It was one of my favorites, but I hope my Mary Kay consultant can get another one for me. I kind of doubt it though. She didn't seem to think that she could. I found one on Ebay and bid on it, so we'll see what happens. Mine didn't look exactly like the one above, but it was very similar.

Things have just been crazy lately. We've had 2 deaths last weekend and both on Saturday. One death was my half-brother's other half-sister. I didn't know her and had never met her, but it affected him and then in turn affected me. He's feeling pretty bummed out right now. He feels like all of his family is falling apart. The other death was a good friend of my cousins. She had become my friend too, even though I wasn't as close to her as he was. She passed away last Saturday and she was only 49. My cousin is pretty bummed out too. I didn't think I would cry, but when I got to the church where the service was being held and saw all the flowers, and everything I just lost it for a few minutes. She had been cremated, but there were lots of pictures of her s a young woman and mother. It was very emotional.

The other things that are going on are with my mother. She has been having some trouble with her thigh and knee. She went to an orthopedic doctor who ordered an MRI and the results came back fine. He said it wasn't anything orthopedic and that there was nothing he could do to fix it. A couple of years ago she had an anuerysm that she had surgery for. A stent was put in to repair it and since then it has steadily been shrinking. The last ultrasound she had showed that it had gotten a little larger. The orthopedic doctor said it could be pressing on a nerve or something and causing my mother pain in her leg. I just don't know what to think. It's all so stressful worrying about everything and wondering if she's going to be ok or is she going to have to go through another surgery at 87 years old. And then, will she survive it. And if she does, what kind of recovery will she have to go through? One of my cousins told me that I need to stop worrying about things that I have no control over and turn them over to God. I know that's what I need to do and I have turned them over to God, but it's hard to not worry.

Daydreaming

I can always tell when I need a vacation because I start daydreaming about dream jobs like travelwriting. I imagine that I'm going to an exotic place like Europe or Hawaii or Italy or someplace like that and that I'm going to write all about it by keeping a travelogue or journal. What got me started with all this longing for out of the country travel was watching the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. The scenery was beautiful. I love the way Frances Mayes writes. This is a web site I found with an exerpt rom her book A Year in the World of Frances Meyer. Oh to be able to write like that. It's a gift.

I found this website that has all kinds of photos of someone's travels to Italy. Beautiful!